Remember Irene Cara and the song/video "She Works Hard for the Money" and she comes home from working hard for the money only to walk into a disastrous mess made by the kids and a worthless husband? Well, that has been my life for two days...minus the worthless husband- he's anything but worthless, he's just absent.
I started Dental Assistant school on Monday (my first step toward becoming a hygienist) and have left the boys at home to maintain themselves for the 4 hours I'm in class since they don't begin school until Thursday. (Why start on a Thursday?) Anyway, I guess I wasn't specific enough when I said 'be good, don't touch the stove and keep the doors locked.' What I should have said was 'If you make a gigantic mess while I'm gone there will be swift beatings to follow.'
There was a trail of clothing from the kitchen/garage entry through the foyer, up the stairs and all the way to their room. Were they afraid they would get lost between the kitchen and the bedroom or were they trying to see how many clothes they could string through the house just for kicks? Who knows. I made the mistake of asking them to try on some of the clothes I just bought them to see if they would fit. I wasn't specific enough with that statement either.
Through the maze of clothes, I trip on light sabers, & a football and then stumble to the table to find a huge breakfast mess of juice glasses tipped over by cats and oatmeal 'cement' stuck inside the bowls. Now, keep in mind I have not raised my boys like this. I have tried to instill the importance of picking up after yourself and being a contributing part of the family. I felt like I walked into a frat house and they were surprised by the Den Mother paying a visit.
I'm still keeping it together, not screaming just yet until I get a good whiff of my all time pet peeve- the litter box. I swore that if I ever smelled the litter box while coming through the front door I would give the kitties away to another loving family. I despise that smell. It's also one of their daily jobs to maintain it and empty the receptacle every other day since we have two cats. We have an automatic litter box that, up until today, I really loved. It's broken. The motor got off the track somehow and now it's a little crooked and won't stop going back and forth unless you manually flip the switch. I still haven't given up but my patience is definitely running out. I clean the entire thing out and put new litter in all while sweating to death, gagging from the smell and thinking I should be studying right now because the baby is sleeping. I flip the top of it over that houses the motor for the scooper and try to see if I can 'muscle' it and get the turning wheel on the right track. After 45 minutes and flipping litter in my face and practically breaking the stupid thing I threw in the towel and started to sob. That's right. I sobbed like I have never sobbed before and the boys are looking at my like I finally have gone Coo-Coo for Cocoa Puffs and need to be institutionalized. 'Why is Mom crying over the cat box,' Soccer asks innocently. I just keep sobbing.
It's not the silly litter box- it's the day in and day out of doing it all on my own. I'm not ashamed or feel like less of a woman for not knowing how to fix a stupid motor on a litter box. I'm not ashamed for wishing the man of the house were here to fix the small stuff that breaks every once in awhile. I am ashamed, however, for losing it in front of Soccer and Football and throwing a mountain sized tantrum in the process. Lately- I feel I can't control my emotions. That small, insignificant happenings send me over the edge. There are times I feel like I can't think or multi-task like a normal mom should be able to. What has happened to me? I've been here before and yet I feel like it's the first time I've had to be a single mom for a few months.
I know that I need to take a deep breath and not sweat the small stuff but for some reason, I'm not following that advice. I need to change something or think back to when I've done this before and try to remember what I did just to stay sane. The only thing I can think of is that I had other military spouses next door for support. Right now, living here in this beautiful place, I am truly alone. It's a tough pill to swallow.
Elijah turns four
10 years ago
9 comments:
We all let our emotions get the best of us sometimes. And I know how hard it is not having someone around to help you fix the small crap that only men know how to do. Did you know that you can use an allen wrench on the bottom of a garbage disposal to turn the blade manually?! ;o) Neither did I. I had a little mini-breakdown myself last week!
I hope that the coming weeks are brighter for you.
Tomorrow is another day. Honestly you will find your groove and everything will fall into it's place.
Please don't beat yourself up, stay strong, we are all here rootin' for you.
xoxo
CE
I found myself in that position so often while my husband was deployed and you know what? Aside from the guilt, I found that getting it out once in a while was helpful. I'm willing to bet that when you leave the boys again, they will remember that sobbing and try harder not to trash the house. So, don't feel guilty! Maybe some good will come from it! Hugs :)
Oh sweetie, it's ok. Bad days are inevitable and you certainly are doing the best you can. (Which, by my estimate is....AMAZING) This too, shall pass and things will align. You might be on your own - but you are never alone. Big giant internet {{{HUGS}}} and I know you will soon find your local support people to help you too.
:)
Oh I feel for you right now. Breakdowns are inevitable so give yourself some slack. Your son's comment was so typical boy - 'crying over a litter box!' I had to laugh at that. You just gotta keep moving and looking forward.
Hope today is a better day. I think you have alot going on with starting school and getting the boys back in the swing of things. Hang in there...you are a tough one and we all have breakdowns at some point or another.
Oh how my heart breaks for you. I was in that exact situation earlier this year. DH gone, the kids not being a bit helpful and the straw that broke the camel's back shows up. I can only offer you a simple "shoulder to cry on" and to remind you that you aren't alone...even when there isn't someone next door who understands. We are here to support you.
Although my husband is not in the military, for the last 1 1/2 yrs he has had to work out of town (3 hours away) Monday through Friday and I am home with my son all week without his help. We only see dad on Saturday & Sunday.
I understand how hard it is to try and do everything - the man jobs (smoke detector batteries at 3am), having to rough house with a son who has energy to burn, etc. All while still working a full time job, jugging time off from work due to a sick child or a child's dr appointments, trying to make it to daytime school assemblies and get more time off from work, trying to provide nourishing meals and have quality play time at the end of the day.
It IS hard and I understand your meltdown and I know where it comes from within you. We all have our weaker/harder moments. We get through them though. We are here for you and we UNDERSTAND.
I have had those meltdowns as well. I try to explain (after I've calmed down) that sometimes, even mama's have to throw a tantrum. My older kids have said that it helped them to see that it affected me, too. Otherwise, they didn't think that they could be upset/angry/sad about daddy being gone.
Mine is leaving in 7 weeks. He's taking it hard now, which means the kids are about to start. I, too, lived in base housing for five years, and moving off was such a change. I did notice I was more "emotional" about the whole thing without that camradery. I hope you find it other ways!
Good luck. Keep sharing here...every little bit helps!
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