One Week Ago, Today

One week ago today, my soldier left. The kids and I have been hanging in there despite not really knowing anyone in town. The only neighbor I know is gone for the next few weeks. We have been playing badmitten, football, Frisbee and driving our little T-monkey (my 23 month old daughter) around in her new little push car. I can tell they are starting to get a little anxious and all of us are trying our best to adjust.

My oldest, we'll call him 'Football' is amazing. He has stepped right up and been my right hand man these past few days. He has babysat so I can clean. He has stayed up with me at night watching t.v. when I can't sleep. He has even cleaned up a mess that T-monkey made without me having to ask. I am so impressed I can't believe it. I know he understands these deployments differently now. I think he realizes there is a lot that happens when Dad has to be gone. It's so weird how he's seems so old right now. The last time daddy left, he was still in elementary school.



My middle son, Soccer, is coping. I think he's testing new boundaries because he doesn't quite know what else to do. He is such a sweet boy with a loving heart. So when he acts out, I know he doesn't mean it. I think he's just really confused about how to feel and how to cope. I'm keeping those lines of communication open though and I know when he's ready, we'll talk.



My little T-monkey, who in the past, has been very independent and non-clingy won't let me out of her site for a minute. She's the baby that wants you to put her to bed and leave her alone and give her some space. These days, however, she senses the change in the house. She asks for Dada and I try my best to explain to her that he is far away but he loves her and misses her. I made a book for her with pictures in it of just her and Dada and she carries it everywhere. She loves to look at the pictures. She has been clingy and really won't stand for me to walk out of the room. She's going to bed ok, but she calls for me and painfully I have to wait it out. Otherwise, she wouldn't get any sleep either and that's no good for anyone involved!



I'm still trying to find my rhythm. It usually takes a couple of weeks so I won't rush it. I need to accept that he is not here and this is going to take awhile. I keep trying to picture the banners I'm going to make for him for when he comes home and the Christmas box the kids and I will put together for him in a couple of months. Right now I can only think of the fact that he left a week ago today. All of those emotions and the big, fat, lonely bedroom I can't stand to be in at the moment are all around me and I can't seem to shake it. I will though. I just need to be patient. I'm not very good at that these days. I guess because we've been through this 3 times before I just want to rush through the hard stuff. I know better. I know I will get through this- I have to.

On an upbeat note, my soldier and I have written everyday and he has called twice. He is trying to find his routine there as well. He says conditions are actually good. He has air-conditioning and his own room and the bathrooms have improved since he was there last. I am SO grateful for that! We are looking into getting Internet in his room- they'll charge him $60.00 a month for it - way to support the soldiers, huh? Anyway, at least then we could get web-cams and see each other once in awhile. I don't know what I'd do with myself! He sounds so good and positive. I'm so thankful.

I'll keep searching for that groove I desperately want to slip into. I know it's coming- I know I need to take a deep breath, slow down and stop fighting this. It is what it is and I know I can do it. Patience, man, patience.