Greetings from Indiana

We've made it to my soldier's parent's house in Indiana! We arrived late last night and I quickly thought how good it felt to be home. The boys didn't waste any time getting out of the car and running in and all T-Monkey could say when we pulled in the driveway was "Play, Play!" She' s only 23 months but it's as if she'd been here all her life. She knew where the toys were and most importantly, where the fish were! Grandma and Grandpa have lots of fish, some inside and some outside. It's her favorite thing. I know it warms his heart that we are all here right now.
The purpose for coming on this trip is two-fold. One, we all needed a break from the house we just moved in to that was feeling a little empty without our soldier. Don't get me wrong, we all LOVE that house and where we live and the blessings are definitely abundant. It's just so hard to start out in a new home with one of your family members absent. We want to experience the town but we also want to wait until our soldier can be with us. It's a very conflicting time. Two, Football's birthday is tomorrow and we usually end up in Indiana sometime in the summer for a visit and it usually happens to fall on his day. This year, I mentioned that I didn't think I could make that kind of trip by myself and I could see the HUGE disappointment on both of my boys' faces. So, when asked if he would rather do a second football camp or go to Grandma and Grandpa's for his birthday, Football answered without hesitation, "Let's hit the road!" I knew then we had to go.
This is a very special time for us. Although I would give just about anything for our soldier to be with us now, here in the home he grew up in, I have never felt anything but incredible love in this house even when I'm here without him.
They surround me with support, understanding and unconditional love. Can you even fathom? I'm constantly thanking God above for them. I don't feel like an 'in-law' here. They've never given me a reason to. There have been moments just today spending time with my 'sisters' laughing, talking and just hanging out where tears tried to come because it makes me remember the times when we have ALL been together like this. But in a strange way it also makes me feel very close to him right now and I so desperately need that. They are here for me and I know it and they lovingly endure my long winded talks about my soldier and every other story having to do with him. They deserve some kind of medal or standing ovation, you just have no idea!
So tomorrow, Football will be 14 (OMG-14!) and although we won't have our soldier here to celebrate with us, we have the next best thing....his amazing family.

First Stop on the Trip

Update: I did fix the GFCI!! I am so proud and all before leaving for Grandma's house.
Girl power, baby.
Anyway, we made the first leg of a 16 hour trip to my soldier's oldest sister's house in Nebraska. We arrived just in time for a wonderful dinner and relaxing evening. T-monkey took over the house and had so much fun that I forgot it was so late and just put her to bed 30 minutes ago! Football and Soccer were awesome and helpful and despite stopping for lunch at the most disgusting Wendy's on the face of the earth, we still managed to hang in there and have a few laughs. I'll try to send pictures once we make it to our final destination.
It's so good to be with family. My husband's family is wonderful and I am so blessed to have them. I think this trip is exactly what we needed to feel even closer to our soldier and to take our minds off the constant thoughts of him being absent in the home. I feel so loved and cared for and I can't tell you how much that is needed right now. They are all truly remarkable.
So I may or may not be able to write daily but I sure will try. Thanks for all of your encouraging words and for the tips on the electrical issues. Obviously, it helped!!

Thank you all for your insight on the shirt. I don't think anyone told me to wash it! I am definitely NOT going to wash it. By many who made the suggestion to put it on my pillow....I did that tonight as I was putting the clean sheets on! It really smells so good.

Today my patience has been tested. My T-Monkey is showing exactly how good she is at throwing tantrums when she doesn't get her way. We have one month until she turns two....couldn't she give me that last month?
Adding to list of maid, cook, laundromat and referee- I have added plumber and electrician. That's right, ladies. One of the boys put paper towel in the toilet, (for the love of Pete, why?)thus clogging it and making it overflow. No one claimed ownership of it but that's alright. Suck it up and drive on I always say.....or at least that's what the Army always says.
Next, I discovered that all the outlets in the two upstairs bathrooms and the outlets downstairs in the bar area do not work. That's right, I had to hunt around the house to find a working plug to plug my hair dryer into. At least I wasn't late for anything or in a hurry so I didn't panic. I checked the breaker box and flipped the switches but, of course, that didn't work. I called the only friend that we know out here- he is a long time friend of my husband, they went to Ranger school together- I thought maybe he could help since he had refinished his entire basement by himself putting in bathrooms and bedrooms, etc. Guess what, he hired an electrician!!!!! So, reluctantly I e-mailed my soldier and asked for suggestions all the while painting a bright and sunny, happy picture here at home so he won't worry. Aggggggghhhhhhh!!!!!
We leave for Grandma's in two days so maybe I just won't worry about any of this until we get back, right? Just let it go, enjoy the family and hope that somehow, magically I become an electrician in my sleep and I can fix it when I get back!

UPDATE- I had to pause to answer the phone and it was him....just what I needed. Now maybe I can fix the outlets after getting my instructions! BTW, he is doing well, sounds a little tired but discovered they have a Taco Bell over there. Life is good.

His Shirt

I was going through, sorting laundry and I found the T-shirt my soldier was wearing the night before he left. It smells so good, so much like him- even if he did work all day in it. There's even a mascara mark on it from when he held me and let me 'cry it out'- if you remember in my story. I'm not in the fetal position or anything but I have to say that I suddenly think I have a weird attachment to this shirt.

I finally broke down today and washed our sheets because, well, after 8 months I don't think they would smell or feel pretty anymore! The question is, do I wash this T-shirt or do I just keep it handy to sniff a time or two when I need something to help me feel close to him? I have a set of dog tags that I made way back when he left on his first deployment and I usually wear them for the duration until he comes home. That helps, you know, it's a physical symbol that I can touch. It prompts some people to ask me about them,which is ok, because it gives me an outlet to brag about him, which I could do all day.

So, if you were in my shoes......to wash or not to wash?

A Day Full of Blessings

I am uplifted today and thanking you all for your prayers and praising God for how I feel.

I began my day dreading the fact that I had to go and get my driver's license renewed. I had puffy eyes from staying up to late after my midnight phone call from my soldier. It's all worth it but I really don't want to look like an old hag in my DL photo. However, I had to do it today because I've also decided to take the kids on a road trip next week to Grandma's house. Don't want Mommy to go to jail with an expired license, right? Anyway, this may seem small to some of you but do you know how hard it is to renew your license when you move every 2-3 years. Not fun. Well, I walked in took a number and sat down with irritation and the 3 million people sitting inside. To my surprise, my number was called within 5 minutes of sitting down. I had taken an eye exam, registered to vote, and had my new picture taken all within 15 minutes of entering the building. AND not to mention, every DMV employee was nice and smiling. Am I in Pleasantville or what? I took that blessing and ran with it.

Next, I get home feeling very accomplished and there was a knock at the door. Two ladies who were on their morning walk had a set of keys in their hands and was wondering if they were mine because the key matched the Honda sitting in the garage...which I left open, and I never do that. They were my keys! I knew I had misplaced them but thought they were buried in the diaper bag along with everything else on my list and that was my next task for the day....find the keys. Tracking my steps, I realized I must have dropped them out of my pocket when I went to get the neighbors mail across the street who is out of town. They had been run over, the keyless entry is toast but the house key and everything else was still in tact. Can you believe that? I'm telling you, I'll take that one too.

Then, it has been storming all day here in Colorado and the sun finally came out but it was still raining. I told my sons to go search for a rainbow. Not just any rainbow.....a double rainbow .....which is a sign to us in our family that everything is going to be ok. It was right outside of my house! I walked out on my deck from my bedroom and it was the most beautiful, vibrant, FULL DOUBLE rainbow I have every seen in my life. I took a thousand pics and couldn't wait to share them with the family. You see, this is a sign of peace and hope and a promise that everything is going to be ok. We were blessed with one each time my soldier deployed and sure enough all was well and many blessings came from such hard times. This one today, it brought me to my knees, I tell ya. I called my MIL right away and she cried and I cried. I sent the pics to my soldier as fast as I could. I feel so incredible right now despite everything. Your prayers are working ladies, thank you so much.

I Am In Awe

I am so inspired! I have to thank all of you for writing and showing support and just sending positive thoughts and prayers my way. I am stunned at the support I have received and I don't know any of you except for my precious SIL Beth. BTW, kudos to her for helping me get started, designing my blog- which I absolutely love - and sending you all over to show me support. Is there anything that little girl can't do?
I also have to send kudos and much thanks to Crooked Eyebrow whom I have never met but is close to Beth and has shown me support like my own family would. Thanks so much!
I have to say I am so incredibly encouraged after reading the comments. I am almost addicted to them! Football asked me if I was ever going to get off of the computer tonight so we could go and run some plays later! Pace yourself, right?
I'm not kidding when I say my mood has dramatically improved since reading your comments. I feel strong again. I was beginning to fade a little after trying to clean the house with a toddler stuck to my leg all the while checking e-mail every 10 minutes to see if he had written yet, taking all three to the commissary...hungry, and catching Soccer peeing on the rocks in the back yard in broad daylight. I am now refreshed and ready to do it all over again tomorrow.....I think.
Anyway, what wonderful women you all are to show such great support and love to a perfect stranger. And to all of you Military wives out there, I got your back just as much as you have mine.
Much Love and Appreciation,
Teresa

One Week Ago, Today

One week ago today, my soldier left. The kids and I have been hanging in there despite not really knowing anyone in town. The only neighbor I know is gone for the next few weeks. We have been playing badmitten, football, Frisbee and driving our little T-monkey (my 23 month old daughter) around in her new little push car. I can tell they are starting to get a little anxious and all of us are trying our best to adjust.

My oldest, we'll call him 'Football' is amazing. He has stepped right up and been my right hand man these past few days. He has babysat so I can clean. He has stayed up with me at night watching t.v. when I can't sleep. He has even cleaned up a mess that T-monkey made without me having to ask. I am so impressed I can't believe it. I know he understands these deployments differently now. I think he realizes there is a lot that happens when Dad has to be gone. It's so weird how he's seems so old right now. The last time daddy left, he was still in elementary school.



My middle son, Soccer, is coping. I think he's testing new boundaries because he doesn't quite know what else to do. He is such a sweet boy with a loving heart. So when he acts out, I know he doesn't mean it. I think he's just really confused about how to feel and how to cope. I'm keeping those lines of communication open though and I know when he's ready, we'll talk.



My little T-monkey, who in the past, has been very independent and non-clingy won't let me out of her site for a minute. She's the baby that wants you to put her to bed and leave her alone and give her some space. These days, however, she senses the change in the house. She asks for Dada and I try my best to explain to her that he is far away but he loves her and misses her. I made a book for her with pictures in it of just her and Dada and she carries it everywhere. She loves to look at the pictures. She has been clingy and really won't stand for me to walk out of the room. She's going to bed ok, but she calls for me and painfully I have to wait it out. Otherwise, she wouldn't get any sleep either and that's no good for anyone involved!



I'm still trying to find my rhythm. It usually takes a couple of weeks so I won't rush it. I need to accept that he is not here and this is going to take awhile. I keep trying to picture the banners I'm going to make for him for when he comes home and the Christmas box the kids and I will put together for him in a couple of months. Right now I can only think of the fact that he left a week ago today. All of those emotions and the big, fat, lonely bedroom I can't stand to be in at the moment are all around me and I can't seem to shake it. I will though. I just need to be patient. I'm not very good at that these days. I guess because we've been through this 3 times before I just want to rush through the hard stuff. I know better. I know I will get through this- I have to.

On an upbeat note, my soldier and I have written everyday and he has called twice. He is trying to find his routine there as well. He says conditions are actually good. He has air-conditioning and his own room and the bathrooms have improved since he was there last. I am SO grateful for that! We are looking into getting Internet in his room- they'll charge him $60.00 a month for it - way to support the soldiers, huh? Anyway, at least then we could get web-cams and see each other once in awhile. I don't know what I'd do with myself! He sounds so good and positive. I'm so thankful.

I'll keep searching for that groove I desperately want to slip into. I know it's coming- I know I need to take a deep breath, slow down and stop fighting this. It is what it is and I know I can do it. Patience, man, patience.