I'm sitting here, in the dark with only the light of the computer and listening to the most sappy love songs you could imagine. From the likes of Celine Dion to Wham to Vanessa Williams- the list goes on. I feel so weird this evening. And its not from being sicker than a dog because I have been in a classroom with about 20 other dog-sick people for the past week. Ugh.
I think its because the weekend is here and that is when I miss him the most- because I have the time. Friday night, nowhere to go and no one to run anywhere. Just me and my computer and my thoughts.
I have his picture posted above my computer screen and every time I look at it- it makes my heart hurt. My bones literally ache for him. Too mushy, right? Sorry. Its amazing what happens when I let myself think- when I stop for just a moment its like every feeling associated with this damn deployment rears its ugly head. For instance, I managed to get T-Monkey's curly, twirly hair in a ponytail tonight and at first it made me happy because she looked so stinkin' cute but then, when I thought of snapping a photo and sending it to her daddy, I cried. I cried because I didn't know if it would make him too sad to see her look different and older. She did look like such a little girl instead of a little baby. He has expressed to me several times that he hoped things wouldn't change too much while he was gone. I'm doing everything in my power to keep things just as they were when he left but unfortunately I don't have a magic wand that I can wave to stop time until he's done with this damn deployment. Yes, I'm mad at this deployment - I hate having so many emotions go up and down like a roller coaster at any minute of the day. It really takes a toll on you after awhile.
I know some of you comment that you hope there are happy times and that its not always 'bad' for us. We do have happy times, I promise! In fact Soccer and I cracked up today all the way from the doctor's office because of something he said. Me: "Its so good that you've gained weight , Soccer! Now you can sit in the front seat because you're heavy enough to turn on the airbag!" Soccer, with a confused look on his face: "you mean its a good thing that I'm big enough now to get hit by the airbag?" I swear I laughed for 20 minutes! When you think about it - it's really not a good thing! He's such a comdedian. And yesterday, Football and I celebrated all the way home from his football game because he had some awesome blocks. That being said, this blog for me is to share what I feel when I feel it and not to censor. I hope that is ok....and obviously I don't write everyday- its too hard sometimes! So when I get the urge to write- I do. I don't want to write everyday just to say that I did it. I want it to mean something, you know?
On a better note, then, I can't believe how much of a positive outlet this has been for me as well. It does help me release the negative and it allows me to recognize what I'm feeling sometimes so that I can take ownership of it and learn from it. I have a few young military wives in my class who's husbands are set to deploy in May- I hope that what I learn or have learned so far will help them in some way. I've already passed out my number and offered any advice or information that may help them if they need it. They've had a lot of questions and hopefully I have helped in some way. I hope they are better prepared for this than I was the first time he left. That is my goal for them, anyway.
So there it is- my thoughts - up and down- just like my evening has been. Now what on earth can I do tomorrow to stay busy?
Elijah turns four
10 years ago
12 comments:
Teresa,
You are entilted to feel like a roller coaster. I think I told you before, but there is no way I could be a militry wife. I would be an emotional wreck and I worry all the time anyway and if my hubby was gone on deployment, I would be a basket case.
Thinking of you today and always. You know my e-mail address if you ever want to vent to just a single person. Hope your day is filled with happiness.
Hugs,
Shantel
I was thinking about you, your kids and your soldier so I had to come and check on you. You should not sensor your feelings or words for anyone. This is your blog and you are the one in charge of what you write.
I remember Beth telling me about you in LA during Katrina. Gustav wasn't as bad as it was feared, which is such a blessing.
As time goes by, please know that all of you are in my thoughts and prayers for a safe return of your soldier. The men and women of our country who sacrifice so much are never far from my thoughts. AND families like yours are also in my thoughts as you go through days, weeks and months without your loved one. I can't wait to read your blog of your soldier's safe return!
I hope your soldier is doing well.
Hi,
I am so glad you write when you do. I can't imagine having my husband gone for such a long time. You are so strong and so brave and are in my prayers. Send him those pictures...pictures are such a great surprise to get even if they come on a regular basis. It makes you feel close to the ones you are away from. I think it will melt his heart to get pictures of your beautiful daughter and you should take one of yourself...he'd love it! Hang in there and know that we are pulling for you and your family.
It's your blog - you should feel able to post about whatever feelings or thoughts you have.... that is the beauty of blogging. It's like *therapy*, in a way... just wayyyy cheaper!
I have so much respect and admiration for soldiers and their families, such as you guys. What a sacrifice you are making for the benefit of the rest of us! I know it must be so stinkin hard to be away from your hubby.... I'm sorry for that.
I hope the time passes quickly for you. Your posts are eloquent, by the way....
The weekend's over! Now it's back to the weekly grind, right? I can understand how you feel about the weekend because that's how I feel about the week. My husband works in Houston (about 325 miles away) Monday thru Friday. He comes home every Friday and leaves on Sunday night. It's no deployment, but it does suck at times. I've found that as time has passed (we've been doing this for 2 years) I've gotten into my groove during the week. We stay on a good schedule and time passes pretty fast. But on Sunday nights (like right now) after he leaves and the kids are in bed, I'm pretty lonely. That's when I try to get lots of work done or read blogs. Makes the night go by faster so it will be Monday again soon and we'll be busy!
Hope you're feeling better soon!!
Once a blog feels like something you have to do, then there is no more joy in blogging.
Blog as you wish, as it comes to you. If there is anything I can do, T-Money, please let me know.
(I bet little girl did look so cute with that f-ing ponytail. Doggone her)
And of course Soccer is HYSTERICAL. HELLLLLOOOWWWW, he's my son.
Keep on writing and we'll keep on listening.
Love you.
I'm here from Beth's blog. I hope it is ok that I'm leaving a comment when we don't even know each other at all. Since I'm a wreck when my husband goes on a short business trip, I just can't even imagine what you must be going through right now. However, I will just say how much I appreciate your husband for what he is doing for our country--the sacrifice he is making and the sacrifice your entire family is making. I hope that you will find some relief in blogging and knowing that there are complete strangers out there praying for your family. I pray for his safe return and that you will have strength during this very difficult time.
I read a quote on another blog yesterday that said something to the effect of "we write to taste life twice". I can't fathom what you're going through, but I imagine it does help to write, to let it out and to let us lift you up with our comments...at least, I hope these comment lift you up a bit. Please know that I'm praying for your family, sending you hugs. I came over from Beth's.
Blessings,
Steph
You are such a strong woman to be taking care of 3 children and having your husband deployed at the same time. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you -- I admire your strength and resolve to be strong for your children and to keep yourself busy. There are so many women out here in the blogosphere would would always be willing to lend an ear should you need it.
I came on over to visit via Beth. As a former Army wife (and as someone working with military youth now) I just wanted to tell you I feel for you and your kiddos.
I'm glad you have a place to write down your thoughts/feelings. (I wish I'd had a blog back then!) I'll be back to see how you all are doing.
Praying for you, the kids and your husband.
As a proud American mama, I couldn't read your blog and not leave a message. I want you to know that my family thanks God every single night for your family's sacrifice for all of us. It's a wonderful gift that you give to us, giving up your husband so he can protect mine. Please know that there are so many of us out here who are incredibly grateful for your sacrifice!
Mine is leaving in 2 1/2 weeks for a year. I agreed to be the FRG leader for his unit, and I thought I was nuts. But it has already been such a morale builder for me. Helping the other spouses that have never been separated makes me feel like I'm contributing. Please continue to share...I'll keep reading.
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